I'm Movin' On
by Jenn Lynne
Summary: Heero has finally remembers a past he fought to forget, a past involving his mother's death and his father's betrayal. What happens when he tries to share his new found freedom, will the other's let him change?


Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or its character and I do not claim to.  
  
Author's note: This is my first story that is not centered around a romance between Heero and Relena AT ALL. Though, if I get enough reviews, there may be a sequal.  
  
I'm Movin' On  
  
By: Jenn Lynne  
  
Song By: Raskal Flatts  
  
~I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons  
  
Finally content with a past I regret ~  
  
His wide prussian blue eyes searched the room in a quick, frantic fashion, as if looking for something, or someone. He lay back down and rested his head once again on his soft pillow, staring at the floor before him deep in thought. His body was covered in sweat and his breath was ragged. He had awoken from that nightmare so suddenly it was hard, even now, to get control of himself. It was his birthday. For almost two hours he had been 22, he realized as he focused his vision on the clock beside his bed for a moment, before returning his gaze to the floor. "I miss you Mom." He said to that spot on the floor. He closed his eyes tightly, fighting a battle within himself. In his minds eye he saw her. He saw that night. His eighth birthday. Bedridden, Heero lay in his bed, his mother at his side. He could not sleep. She was telling him a story. He could still hear her voice.  
  
"Listen carefully, Odin dear." Heero's mother said to her son with a smile. In her hand, she held a silver chain. On the end was a pendent, the character for virtue embossed in the cool metal. "There is a legend that says, when a young man, much like yourself, receives the charm of virtue, for as long as he wears it, he will be virtuous and good." She smiled, her own prussian blue eyes sparkling in delight as she looked upon her only child. "Here my son." she said as she carefully fastened the clasp of the necklace around his small, slender neck. "I have my own part to add to this story. As long as you wear this, Odin, you will be loved. By me. And it will protect you always, even when I can not." She smiled again and carefully kissed Heero's forehead. It was cold, and clammy, but at the same time he was sweating. His stubborn locks of brown hair clung to his forehead as he looked up lovingly at his mother. "Oh," she said suddenly remembering something, she turned her back to him a moment, then turned back to him again. "This is Fredrick." She said holding up the brown stuffed bear. "This is a tradition in my family." She paused laying the bear beside her son on the bed. Not even sure if he was even able to listen. "His job is to be your eternal friend. He will always be there when you're lonely. You can never buy yourself a bear like Fredrick. He has to be given, from someone who truly loves the person they are giving it to."  
  
A noise was heard from down the hallway. Heero's mother looked at the clock on the wall in confusion as she stood. "I don't understand, your father shouldn't be home for another two hours." As she said this, the footfalls stopped in front of Heero's bedroom door. The door swung open harshly, and in the frame stood a tall man dressed in black. His eyes were cold and gray and his hair was a musty yellow. He had a gun in his right hand, trained on Heero's mother. She didn't gasp, she didn't show her fear or grovel before him. She placed herself between Heero and the man in the doorway. Speaking in a voice that betrayed nothing of her fear, or the danger they were in, "My son is sick with pneumonia, and bedridden. My husband is not home. You may take anything. I will not lift a hand against you as long as you leave my son without harm."  
  
~I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness~  
  
Somehow, Heero found the strength to let the images that came after this flow through his head. He had not allowed himself to relive this day, ever, the day of his mother's death, the day that changed his life forever. He fought against tears he had never been able to shed, and now, so many years after, after the training that stunted his emotions, and after his own father's betrayal, he was finally able to cry.  
  
~For once I'm at peace with myself  
  
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long~  
  
Eventually, it was time to get up. He had been lying on his bed since his nightmare, crying, and was finally able to pick himself up and get ready for work. He seemed more content now. More comfortable in his own skin than he had felt in years.  
  
He let the water fun over his face and skin. His eyes were closed and he reveled in the warmth of his shower. His mind however, drifted to war ridden times. When what was left of his innocence had been ripped away from him, first at the hands of his father, then the hands of Dr. J. But no more. He remembered every face, every name, of every person who's life he destroyed. The ones he murdered, the families of the ones he murdered, all of them, he remembered. But those he hadn't. Those whose lives weren't in his hands; his mother's, the little girl who he had accidentally killed before going to war, all the people Dr. J murdered so that Heero could train; all of their heads had been blamed on him. But he was not responsible for them. He finally accepted what he had always known, it wasn't his fault. Those lives, the ones who's deaths had effected him the most, none of them were his fault. The blame was not his. He sighed almost happily as he opened his eyes and wrapped a towel around his waist. Now, he no longer wished to leave his apartment, though the memories that followed through his head on this day, of all days, were sad, this new freedom they gave him was exhilarating and he did not want to stop in his contemplation.  
  
~I'm movin' on~  
  
He did, however, wish to tell his friends of his new found contentment. He wanted to tell them everything. To walk up to Duo and give him a hug, just because he was always there for him. And Trowa, shake his hand for once, just so that the other man would know that he was respected. Wufei, he would get the worst noogie of his life, and Heero would laugh doing it. If for no other reason than just to get him to loosen up. He would call Quatre and tell him everything. Quatre, he knew, would sit there for hours and listen to him, if he would ever talk for hours. Relena, he would walk right up to her and show her everything she meant to him. Every emotion she evoked, every electric shock she had created in him with the slightest touch, would be returned ten fold in one magnificent kiss.  
  
~I've lived in this place and I know all the faces  
  
Each one is different but they're always the same  
  
They mean no harm but it's time that I face it  
  
They'll never allow me to change~  
  
He now couldn't wait for the day to begin. He would see Duo first, probably as soon as he entered the Peacecraft Mansion to resume his duties as bodyguard. Next, would be Trowa, whose position at Relena's door he would take as Trowa went home for the day. Then would be Relena, she would emerge from her room, fully dressed in casual wear for the bright Saturday morning, and move, with him by her side, to breakfast. Wufei would be waiting for them at the table with a newspaper in front of his face and tea in his hand. Heero only worked until two on Saturdays, and as soon as he was off, he would hurry home and call Quatre. He had it all worked out, except one thing.  
  
"They'll freak out." He said to himself as he buttoned the first button to his shirt. He said it so seriously it was frightening, even to himself. "The only ones who won't run will be Trowa, who'll probably ignore it for just a whimsy, not real respect, Relena, who will take the time to slap me before running away and telling her brother, and Quatre." He stopped a moment, "Quatre would be the only one happy for me. The other's won't understand." He looked down at his empty hands, "They are blinded by the blood on my hands. To them I can never change."  
  
~But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong  
  
I'm movin' on~  
  
Heero's ride to work was spent in even deeper contemplation than before. He knew what would come of it, but still he had to try. To show them everything he felt. He swiped a stray tear from his eyes. "I don't want to have to leave." He said to himself in a shaken tone.  
  
He entered the mansion in relative silence. A smirk made its way to his features when he saw Duo approaching, bounding up and down with the caffeine from his morning coffee making him obnoxiously cheery on any normal day. He skipped up to Heero and stood before him, a large grin on his face.  
  
"HEY, Buddy!" Duo exclaimed. He knew how Heero would react, ignore him and walk passed, just like always.  
  
Heero smiled, this caught Duo off guard, who took a few unguided steps back, Heero advanced, giving Duo the biggest bear hug he had ever received from a sober man, and he KNEW Heero never drank. As Heero released his friend and stepped back, smile still spread across his face, Duo stepped back again, almost involuntarily. He turned around quickly and took to a running pace. Heero was acting strangely and it scared him, whatever was going down, he wanted no part of.  
  
Heero's face turned into a frown. A depression setting in. "I knew you wouldn't understand." He said to Duo's retreating form.  
  
He tried to lift his spirits, by thinking of his next friend. Trowa was a very understanding person, he didn't really understand people, much like Heero, but he understood feelings. Heero almost leaped up the stairs, he was so renewed with excitement.  
  
He found Trowa exactly were he expected to. Trowa's eyes were open, staring at some unseen point between himself and the wall beyond. Heero approached him. Controlling his demeanor to give away nothing. Trowa didn't look up. As Heero got closer, within a few yards, Trowa stood. When Heero finally reached him, half extending his hand, Trowa's cell phone rang. He turned from Heero quickly as he answered it. Heero frowned and waited patiently. Trowa turned toward Heero again. "Yeah, okay." He said into the phone as he quickly walked passed Heero and down the stairs, not even sparing a glance at the man. Heero's eyes betrayed his hurt. He hid it though, as soon as he realized it was there, and sat in the chair he had always sat in.  
  
Heero sighed. Placing his head in his hands he closed his eyes tightly. He didn't notice Relena's door open and her exit. She was wearing blue jeans and a purple tank top. She paused, and looked down at Heero. Her eyes immediately became concerned and she squatted in front of him, trying to look at his face.  
  
"Heero what's wrong? Are you alright?" she said, she was truly concerned for him and had placed her hand lightly on his shoulder. To her surprise he did not stiffen with her touch. He looked at her, his eyes searching her. There were so many emotions in his eyes she wanted to step back. He stood, keeping her gaze and she did the same. Her eyes looked pleading and lost to him. He moved his hand to her face and stroked her cheek as he moved it to her neck. Pulling her closer, he moved his other hand to encircle her waist. Her own hands lay limply at her sides as Heero kissed her. He kissed her with so much passion and love that she couldn't react. Her hands lifted slightly as if to hold him closer but never reached his back. The kiss ended first. Heero looked at her with tears in his eyes. All she could do was stare at him, trying to figure out what this all meant.  
  
He blinked a few tears away, "I'm sorry." He said as he turned from her and started down the stairs. She was speechless and powerless to pursue him. He ran to the door and Relena watched as he exited hurriedly. Wufei stepped out of the kitchen, tea cup in one hand, and News Paper in the other. He glanced first at the door, and then at Relena.  
  
"Who was that?" he asked her.  
  
She was still unable to move. Unable to think. After a moment, Wufei shrugged his shoulders and reentered the dinning room, mumbling incoherently as he went. Relena moved her hand to her still tingling lips and closed her eyes tightly. Why hadn't she closed them before? Why couldn't she hold him? Why was he so sad and where was he going? These, and a thousand more questions, ran rampant in her mind.  
  
~I'm movin' on  
  
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me  
  
And I know there's no guarantee's, but I'm not alone  
  
There comes a time in everyone's life  
  
When all you can see are the years passing by  
  
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone~  
  
On the ride back to his apartment Heero took out his cell phone and pressed one of the speed dial buttons. He put the phone to his ear and listened carefully as Lady Une answered.  
  
"This better be important." She snapped.  
  
"Lady Une." Heero said, "I'm officially resigning." With that said he hung up. No longer wishing to have ties here.  
  
He walked back into his apartment and sat down on the couch. He closed his eyes again and put his head in both hands. "Relena why didn't you kiss back?" He said, a few stray tears seeping down his face. "I could care less if you smacked me, but…" he looked up. His eyes focused on his vid-phone, and he moved to sit before it.  
  
He dialed Quatre's number and waited as the line connected. "Heero!" Quatre's voice was bright and cheerful. He welcomed any call from his friends on Earth and Heero was no exception.  
  
Heero couldn't help but smile at Quatre's warm welcome. "Thank you Quatre."  
  
"For what?" Quatre said, his smile only getting brighter.  
  
"For receiving me with such warmth." Heero said back, his smile fading from his lips, but not his eyes.  
  
Quatre seemed to make himself more comfortable, as if anticipating a long call. His smile remained. "So Heero. Why so content today? Has something happened to change you so drastically so quickly? Please tell me everything." Quatre's eyes beamed with excitement as Heero smiled once again.  
  
I knew I could count on you Quatre. He thought to himself. He began his story with his dream. And then went on to tell what had happened on the day of his birthday when he was eight. "'My son is sick with pneumonia, and bedridden. My husband is not home. You may take anything. I will not lift a hand against you as long as you leave my son without harm.' She said to him. With more confidence than I would have expected of her. And that man in the doorway smirked at her, tucking his gun in his pants. He advanced on her.  
  
"'Not home you say?' his voice was dripping with grotesque want. I remember moving further under my covers. 'Than I think we should have a little fun.' I will spare you the exact details of what happened next, but let me just say, I laid in bed, and stared into my mother's eyes, helpless, as that man raped her on the floor beside me. She never took her eyes from me. Not even when he was done, and took a knife and stabbed her twelve times in the chest. And in her death she laid right there staring at me, until my father returned home and called the police. They came in my room. Unable to move me, I just laid there, staring at her lifeless eyes as they examined her and took pictures." Heero paused a moment before continuing. Quatre sat quietly at his own end, wiping away a few tears shed for his friend, so many miles away.  
  
"After that, my father started drinking. He had angry fits and beat me. It wasn't really the beatings that hurt, it was what he would say. 'How could you kill your own mother, Odin.' 'You murderer.' 'You are not my son, how could you take her away from me?'. And after a while, I started to believe him. I was constantly in the hospital, my neighbors would bring me when it got really bad. One day, just to make me cry, he threw Fredrick, my teddy bear, into the fireplace, and I watched as my beloved friend burned. Not long after, when I was almost nine, and walking home from the hospital, I ran away, and never looked back." Heero shifted in his chair. "Dr. J picked me up off the street after that. And, well, you know." Heero once again fixed his gaze on Quatre. He realized that somewhere along the line he had broken eye contact. Quatre was having trouble controlling himself. He was about to cry full force and he could feel it. How could a person go through that much and survive? He asked himself. He broke Heero's gaze, looking away he wiped tears from his eyes.  
  
"As for today," Heero started again, eager to break the silence. "it is my twenty-second birthday, fifteen years after my mother's death. I had blocked those memories out of my mind for so long, it felt…" he looked up "liberating" as he said this, Quatre observed, a tear fell from his eye, "I figured out a few things. Things I had already known, just not allowed myself to accept as real truth." I wanted to share it with everyone, I had it all planned out." He paused again, Quatre's countenance had lightened with this part of the story, but darkened with foreboding. "Duo ran away in fear when I gave him a hug. I can't blame him really. Trowa ignored me when I walked up to him. He passed by me and walked away without even bothering to look up. Relena…" he faded off, looking away.  
  
"Go on, what happened?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Well, I had decided, before hand, that I would show her how much I appreciated all that she had done for me, and give all that back to her as best I could in one beautiful kiss." Quatre smiled as a blush crept onto his cheeks.  
  
"And?" he pressed.  
  
"And I put everything into it. She didn't even close her eyes. There was nothing. It hurt so much." He looked away again. "I ran out of the house, I just couldn't be there anymore.  
  
"Why do you think they acted this way Heero?" Quatre asked. Having absolutely no clue himself. He had though Relena was in love with Heero. Why wouldn't she kiss back?  
  
"They won't allow me to change." Heero said, more to himself than Quatre.  
  
Quatre wiped away a few more tears, "What a cry baby I've turned out to be, some Gundam Pilot."  
  
Heero smiled sadly. "We're both cry babies. But, I guess, not very good soldiers." Heero made eye contact again. "I'm leaving Quatre. I've already quit my job. I'm just going to pack up and go." Quatre nodded. "I'll call you when I get back on my feet again, okay?"  
  
Quatre smiled, "I'll be looking forward to hearing from you."  
  
"Thank you Quatre, for being such a good friend." Heero hung up the phone and held his pendent tightly. "Please Mom, be with me now."  
  
~I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't  
  
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town  
  
I've loved like I should but lived like  
  
I shouldn't  
  
I had to lose everything to find out  
  
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road  
  
I'm movin' on~  
  
Heero found himself in a small town in the middle of nowhere. In every direction were trees, trees, and more trees. He stopped at the local motel, and got a room. He unpacked just a few things. He had left most of it behind. He hadn't taken his computer or his cell phone. The only one he planned to call was Quatre, and even that call he had yet to make, four months later.  
  
He left and explored the small town on foot. It was his understanding, from those that he passed by, talking to some, that the towns' folk lived in the hills around here. Coming into town in the morning to work and going back home before it got dark. He went to the town store, which was empty save a clerk and a boy sweeping the floor. He approached the clerk.  
  
"Do you know of any housing up here for sale?" Heero asked the older man. The older man, with his brown eyes, took a good look at the young man before him.  
  
"The Johnson's are hoping someone will buy their place. It's small, and way up in the backcountry. If you want I can tell you the way and you can go up there."  
  
~I'm movin' on~  
  
Heero drove up the dirt road, listening, with his windows down, to the sounds of the forest. He finally came upon a small stone house. He stepped out of his car and took in its appearance. It was old, and made entirely out of stone, it was one story, but long. The front door was down, as if the house started below the surface of the ground. It was beautiful, with vines growing all over it and white rose climbing up the archway in front of the door. Out of the door ran a small boy, no more than six, followed closely by a dog, an Australian Shepherd, and behind them, a man, playfully laughing as he chased the boy. When the man noticed Heero, he stopped.  
  
"Can I help you stranger?" he said to Heero.  
  
"Yes, my name is Odin Lowe, Jr., are you Mr. Johnson, and is your home for sale?"  
  
~I'm movin' on~  
  
A/N: I know, Heero is OOC, but think about what has happened to him… I tortured him in this one, Gomen Heero. Anyway, like I said, I will write a sequel if I get an adequate number of reviews. I LOVE REVIEWS. So whether you loved it or hated it, tell me about it! Ja Ne and have a nice day. 


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